The Loner, William Gibson

a selection of my reactions on rereading this book for the first time in fifteen years:

"I'm gay."
"this book made me gay."
"I can see why this appealed to my third-grade self."
"the cover of this book made me gay."
"'Beyond him the road climbed another hill and upon the crest spruce trees bent in the wind and shadows spread like dark water seeping from the mountainside. The ruffled edges of the clouds had turned gold and for a moment it seemed that the whole world had become golden, the dried slopes about him reflecting the coming sunset. He was used to being out of doors at all hours but he had never seen anything like this, and he stood, swaying wearily, caught by its splendor.'"
"as a child I was odd and alone and thought that was 'the only way to be', as Janelle Monáe puts it, even though I knew not everyone was alone (or had been made to feel alone), and so, seeing no other way forward, I tried to embrace that, to adopt 'loner' as my self-description, told myself I had embraced it; but still part of me longed to feel like I really, truly belonged somewhere, without question — but also because I had earned my place, proven my worth, been deemed worthy. to be judged on my own merits and deemed acceptable — more than acceptable — oddness and aloneness and all. to prove myself while, still, remaining myself. not to have to change (and I knew even then that I was, to borrow another phrase, different from the others)."
"anyway, this book made me gay."